Whale Wars.

July 6, 2009

Whale Wars is a show which airs on Animal Planet. It deals with the adventures of the hugely incompetent and vastly irritating crew of the Steve Irwin, which is a terrible name for a ship considering that Steve Irwin died in a freak accident. The crew is a group of vigilantes which have taken it upon themselves to hunt down Japanese whaling ships and throw rancid butter at them. They do so in an incompetent fashion, perpetually saying and doing stupid things and generally just looking like a bunch of dummies.

I hate this show and pretty much everyone on it. Everything about this show is infuriating and it needs to be taken off the air. Also legal action should probably be taken because vigilante action isn’t the way to go. I’m not condoning whaling in any way, by the way. I just hate this show.




June 29, 2009

Today, I thought it would be nice to take Baby Kael outside.

I took him outside.

I sat on the ground.

I put him on my lap.

Otto, the dumber of our two German shepherds, walked up to us. He sniffed Kael in greeting.

He spit something on Kael’s foot.

Upon initial examination, all I could think was “crushed olive.” It looked just like a smushed black olive. Except that there was some mushy white stuff oozing from it.

And then I saw the legs.

Otto spit a chewed beetle on Kael’s foot.

I had to pick it off bare-handed.

Why do these things happen to me?


1. The Coors Lite commercials.

These commercials have infuriated me since the moment I viewed them. The Coors Lite marketing team has two points that they are using to sell their beer. The first point is that it’s cold. Yep, Coors Lite is a great beer because you can drink it when it’s cold. Clearly, this elevates their beer above the level of any other beer. A 34-degree Coors Lite is somehow more special than any other 34-degree beer. You know, because it’s cold.

The second point they’re advertising is refreshment value. That’d be great, except that the phrase they’re using is “Because refreshment isn’t everything. It’s the only thing.” This makes me extremely angry, because if something is the only thing, no other things exist, meaning that due to lack of other things, that something is by default everything in addition to being the only thing. Everything and the only thing are one and the same, therefore the only assumption I can draw from their stupid phrase is that whoever is in charge of advertising should be kicked in the face.

2. The Windows/PC Commercials

These commercials suck because the angle they’re taking is “I didn’t have enough money to buy a Mac, so I bought a PC instead.” This implies that, had the consumer had sufficient funding, their first choice would have been a Mac. Actually, one phrase straight out of one of their commercials is “I guess I’m not hip enough to buy a Mac.” Well, guess what? A lot of your potential customers are pretty hip, and you’ve just told them that hip people buy Macs. Bravo, PC marketing team. Bravo.

Other Stuff

As soon as I get pictures from my adventures this last Saturday, a hugely fun story will be posted. You should keep an eye out for it.


Ice Cream.

May 29, 2009

We convinced my mom to let us have some ice cream tonight. Initially, joy ensued.

Since I was holding my baby, I asked my sister to get me some ice cream while she was getting hers. She decided instead to play with the baby while he was sitting on my lap, but was not interested in holding him so I could get ice cream for us. I did not get any ice cream.

Later, she went to get ice cream for herself. I asked for some, still holding my baby (he never lets me put him down when he’s awake) and she said, “No.”

I asked again about half an hour later. She asked me what flavor I would like. I asked what flavors we had. She muttered something and returned to the computer. I did not find out what flavors we had.

Another half hour or so later, I asked about available flavors again. She rattled a few off, none of which I enjoy, and ended with “Udderly Chocolate.” I’m a big fan of Udderly Chocolate, so I asked for some. She brought me a cup of Mudslide, which I find too chocolatey. I said, “This is not Udderly Chocolate.” She said, “Oops. I thought something was wrong when I was scooping it, because I was thinking that you don’t like Mudslide.” I said, “Yes. So may I have some Udderly Chocolate?” She replied, “We don’t have any.” She then grumpily requested my help with math.

I am devastated, I feel rather used, and I still don’t have any ice cream. Also, I have some major mosquito bites. This evening sucks.


Leggings are Not Pants.

February 3, 2009

We went to OMSI (Oregon Museum of Science and Industry) on February 1st to see the new Leonardo da Vinci exhibit, which was pretty neat. But that isn’t what this post is about. This post is about people-watching, which OMSI happens to be most excellent for.

Firstly, I would like to say that fat people are great. They are frequently jolly and almost always fun to hug (assuming that they are hygenic), and I have no issue with fat people. I do, however, have an issue with massively obese people who wear skintight, skimpy clothing. I do not wish to see your rolls of fat, many of which are literally individually larger than my thigh, escaping from over the top of your eight-sizes-too-small miniskirt and protruding from beneath your spandex tube top. It’s gross.

Another thing that is gross is when people wear leggings as pants. Wearing them under skirts or dresses is one thing. I’m not a fan of the style, but neither does it anger me. Wearing leggings as pants is another thing entirely, unless you have the body to do so, and not a single person I’ve seen wearing leggings as pants does. In fact, every single person I’ve seen wearing leggings as pants has been at least moderately overweight, and the leggings only serve to accentuate their blobby curves of fat by squeezing them in awkward ways. I don’t understand why they can’t wear jeans. Srsly.

I also don’t understand the sorts of people who let their 7-year-old daughters wear teeny-tiny skirts and tight tank tops and makeup. I understand the desire to be physically appealing, yes, but what kind of parents want their prepubescent daughters objectified in that manner? Not to mention that it just looks completely ridiculous, since they’re, y’know, prepubescent.

On a topic that is dissimilar in that it does not involve clothing but is similar in that it involves people I’d like to smack, I attended a city council meeting with my dad on Monday. Certain people on the city council want to spend $300,000+, not including land value which is another $270,000 or so, on a new skate park. The city of Wilsonville does not have that money to spend, but a certain woman on the city council is adamant that a new skate park is absolutely required. Her logic, or lack thereof, went like this:

“We need a new skate park.”
“Because the old skate park is unsafe.”
“Why is the old skate park unsafe?”
“Lack of visibility. If somebody falls and gets hurt, nobody will see them. Also, vandalism.”
“Serious vandalism?”
“Well no, not really. But there is a hole in the side of one of the ramps.”
“That’s because it’s made of wood and is eight years old.”
“Well, lack of visibility is still a serious issue.”
“How so?”
“Because it’s not highly visible. People will fall and get hurt and nobody will see them. And if it’s more visible, vandalism won’t happen either.”
“That does sound pretty serious. Maybe we should close the park until a new one is built so that nobody will get hurt during that time.”
“Well, it isn’t that dangerous.”
“It isn’t?”
“Well, no. The police have the area pretty well covered.”
“So it’s not dangerous due to location?”
“Not really.”
“Then why don’t we renovate the old skate park instead of building a whole new one?”
“Because it’s not a good place for a skate park to be.”
“Why not?”
“Lack of visibility. And vandalism.”


Her other main argument was that “Every kid I know has a skateboard, so a skate park is a necessary asset to the community.” As my dad says, “Every kid I know has a bicycle, but you’re not building a velodrome…”

What’s frightening is that the majority of people on the council agree with her opinion of the necessity of a new skate park. So they’re likely going to spend $300,000 that they don’t have plus $270,000 worth of land to make the estimated ~870 potential skateboarders in Wilsonville happy, when we already have a functional skate park and the library is closing due to lack of funding. Genius, guys.

People bug me.