Whale Wars.

July 6, 2009

Whale Wars is a show which airs on Animal Planet. It deals with the adventures of the hugely incompetent and vastly irritating crew of the Steve Irwin, which is a terrible name for a ship considering that Steve Irwin died in a freak accident. The crew is a group of vigilantes which have taken it upon themselves to hunt down Japanese whaling ships and throw rancid butter at them. They do so in an incompetent fashion, perpetually saying and doing stupid things and generally just looking like a bunch of dummies.

I hate this show and pretty much everyone on it. Everything about this show is infuriating and it needs to be taken off the air. Also legal action should probably be taken because vigilante action isn’t the way to go. I’m not condoning whaling in any way, by the way. I just hate this show.




June 29, 2009

Today, I thought it would be nice to take Baby Kael outside.

I took him outside.

I sat on the ground.

I put him on my lap.

Otto, the dumber of our two German shepherds, walked up to us. He sniffed Kael in greeting.

He spit something on Kael’s foot.

Upon initial examination, all I could think was “crushed olive.” It looked just like a smushed black olive. Except that there was some mushy white stuff oozing from it.

And then I saw the legs.

Otto spit a chewed beetle on Kael’s foot.

I had to pick it off bare-handed.

Why do these things happen to me?


Being a Rock Star.

June 7, 2009

This past Saturday (May 30), I had a J-rock themed photoshoot in Portland. I got my hair cut in an asymmetrical, spiky fashion and some purple streaks added. Then I dressed up in a neon blue skirt, purple leggings, and hot pink tank top-thing. Also, I had eye makeup that looked like a box of Froot Loops vomited on me, and purple lipstick. It was pretty great. (pictured below: me being pale)

Me Being Cool
The shoot was for Ms. Jayla’s hair portfolio, as she is working on setting up her own hairstyling business. It takes a lot of skill and patience to make hair as thick as mine behave, so she obviously knows what she’s doing. Comment if you live in Portland and want her contact information.

Anyway! So we (me and two other pretty Asian ladies with fun hair) were doing the shoot. We were getting individual shots before moving on to the group poses. When it wasn’t my turn in front of the camera, I picked up the pretty red electric guitar that Mr. Photographer Andrew brought. It was missing a string and had no amp and produced no noise at all. I stood on the street corner in downtown Portland strumming the soundless guitar and loudly singing Disney songs. In the middle of my “Under the Sea” rendition, a very proper-looking middle-aged lady walked past. She gazed cooly into my face, turned up her nose, and marched on in a snooty fashion. She didn’t even give me a dollar.

I almost choked on my enormous feather earrings from laughing so hard.

Another fun thing: Some hobo took a picture of me on his camera phone. He’s probably introduced the picture to all of his hobo pals as his girlfriend or something. Awesome.

In conclusion, Ms. Jayla the Hair Lady is great, the shoot was great, and it’s a whole lot of fun to strut through downtown Portland dressed like the above.


1. The Coors Lite commercials.

These commercials have infuriated me since the moment I viewed them. The Coors Lite marketing team has two points that they are using to sell their beer. The first point is that it’s cold. Yep, Coors Lite is a great beer because you can drink it when it’s cold. Clearly, this elevates their beer above the level of any other beer. A 34-degree Coors Lite is somehow more special than any other 34-degree beer. You know, because it’s cold.

The second point they’re advertising is refreshment value. That’d be great, except that the phrase they’re using is “Because refreshment isn’t everything. It’s the only thing.” This makes me extremely angry, because if something is the only thing, no other things exist, meaning that due to lack of other things, that something is by default everything in addition to being the only thing. Everything and the only thing are one and the same, therefore the only assumption I can draw from their stupid phrase is that whoever is in charge of advertising should be kicked in the face.

2. The Windows/PC Commercials

These commercials suck because the angle they’re taking is “I didn’t have enough money to buy a Mac, so I bought a PC instead.” This implies that, had the consumer had sufficient funding, their first choice would have been a Mac. Actually, one phrase straight out of one of their commercials is “I guess I’m not hip enough to buy a Mac.” Well, guess what? A lot of your potential customers are pretty hip, and you’ve just told them that hip people buy Macs. Bravo, PC marketing team. Bravo.

Other Stuff

As soon as I get pictures from my adventures this last Saturday, a hugely fun story will be posted. You should keep an eye out for it.


Ice Cream.

May 29, 2009

We convinced my mom to let us have some ice cream tonight. Initially, joy ensued.

Since I was holding my baby, I asked my sister to get me some ice cream while she was getting hers. She decided instead to play with the baby while he was sitting on my lap, but was not interested in holding him so I could get ice cream for us. I did not get any ice cream.

Later, she went to get ice cream for herself. I asked for some, still holding my baby (he never lets me put him down when he’s awake) and she said, “No.”

I asked again about half an hour later. She asked me what flavor I would like. I asked what flavors we had. She muttered something and returned to the computer. I did not find out what flavors we had.

Another half hour or so later, I asked about available flavors again. She rattled a few off, none of which I enjoy, and ended with “Udderly Chocolate.” I’m a big fan of Udderly Chocolate, so I asked for some. She brought me a cup of Mudslide, which I find too chocolatey. I said, “This is not Udderly Chocolate.” She said, “Oops. I thought something was wrong when I was scooping it, because I was thinking that you don’t like Mudslide.” I said, “Yes. So may I have some Udderly Chocolate?” She replied, “We don’t have any.” She then grumpily requested my help with math.

I am devastated, I feel rather used, and I still don’t have any ice cream. Also, I have some major mosquito bites. This evening sucks.