Three Things I Do Not Understand.

January 1, 2009

1. The American Judicial System.

If somebody spills hot coffee all over themselves, they should not be allowed to sue the company that sold them the hot coffee for not warning them that it was hot. They were drinking it. Therefore, they knew that it was hot, and they spilled it anyway, which is not the fault of the coffee-distributing company unless that company secretly put the coffee in a dastardly spilly-cup for kicks and giggles.

Likewise, if you decapitate yourself when you attempt to trim your hedge with a lawnmower, you’re stupid. It’s called a lawnmower, not a hedge trimmer. The manufacturers did not attempt to mislead you into thinking that the lawnmower was meant to trim hedges. You’ve done the world a favor by messily removing yourself from the gene pool, and your family should not be allowed to sue the lawnmower manufacturers on your moronic behalf. If I took a pen and stabbed myself in the eye with it, and then experienced extreme pain and loss of vision as a result, it’s not the fault of the pen company for failing to explicitly state that pens are not intended for ocular penetration.

What confuses me more than these silly people is the fact that they frequently win their cases. What sort of judge would decide in their favor, and why? If I were a judge, I would look at the hot coffee-spiller, or the family of the decapitated attempted hedge-trimmer, and say, “You’re stupid. Begone.” I might also include something about farting in their general directions, call them tiny-brained wipers of other peoples’ bottoms, and insult their small, furry moms and elderberry-scented dads. Then I’d make them pay all the court fees, plus a fine for being stupid.

I should be a judge.

2. The Shenanigans Restaurant.

Firstly, “shenanigans” is an awesome word, one of my favorites ever. It’s loads of fun to say out loud, and it’s one of those neat words that sounds like exactly what it means.

Shenanigans is also the name of an extremely fancy waterfront restaurant. People get all dressed up to go there, and then daintily dine on lobster and steak and the like, being careful not to stain the freshly pressed linen tablecloths. It’s a restaurant in which no shenanigans can be pulled, else the shenanigan-puller will be removed. I find this contradictory. If I owned a restaurant named Shenanigans, there would be trained monkeys all over the place running around stealing silverware and flinging mashed potatoes and such. It would be awesome.

3. Missing Dunks.

I mean really, how does one miss a dunk? I’m not even talking about the nerdy 5’2 kids in gym class, I mean the professionals who get paid millions of dollars every year to play a game in which one repeatedly puts a ball through a hoop.

The Portland Trail Blazers played the Boston Celtics on December 30th, and both teams thoroughly sucked. Perhaps that isn’t quite fair, as the Blazers were without their star player Brandon Roy due to a hamstring injury. And really, they only thoroughly sucked in the first quarter, when they scored a pathetic 13 points in 12 minutes. The rest of the game was alright. And I’m not saying I was displeased with the outcome, as the Blazers managed to eke out a win in the last minutes of the game, defeating Boston with a score of 91-86.

To get back to the topic, though, professional basketball players should not miss dunks. And on December 30th, they were missing dunks. Travis Outlaw had an excuse for one of them, since he got pretty much tackled to the ground by Boston’s Kevin Garnett (who should have been ejected; I’ve never seen a dirtier player), but otherwise, I’m pretty sure dunks should not end in failure. Please correct me if I’m wrong…

In Conclusion

This guy is awesome.



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